Introduction to Resentments

On November 17, 1957, at the Dexter Avenue Baptist Church, during his speech “Loving Your Enemies,” Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. set right the dilemma by saying, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” Few people knew more about the subject than Dr. King, and if he could see it that way, then the least I could do was try. 

Resentments can be a cruel shark-eyed soul swallower, sometimes justified, sometimes not so much, birthing themselves in multiple ways. They can be caused by unresolved conflicts, perceived injustice, unmet expectations, lack of communication, or even trauma. It can feel like an emotional car crash – death by a thousand speedbumps. It lingers like poison ivy, and the more we scratch it, the worse it gets. Sometimes the other party doesn’t even know we’re hanging on to it, or, worse, they don’t care. We might even fantasize about revenge or demise, but as Mandela and Buddha roughly said, “resentments are like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Ugh….

A More Clinical Definition – What is Resentment?

A standard experience, first and foremost. Some argue that as long as we choose to invest and care about ourselves and each other, we are bound to catch a thorn now and again. More directly, resentment is a negative emotion characterized by anger, bitterness, and frustration towards someone or something that has caused us harm or injustice. Examples are:

1. Being passed up for a promotion and resenting your boss. 
2. A family member who regularly wants to borrow money or a friend that consistently cancels plans at the last moment. 
3. Resentments against self could be revisiting that human mistake you made repeatedly and being unable to move on. 

Ask yourself how often you think about the situation. If you frequently ruminate on a past event or situation, it can be a sign that you are harboring resentments. 

Consequences of Resentments 

Resentment can be a powerful and destructive emotion, and it’s essential to address it to move on in life. When we hold grudges and refuse to let go, we’re damaging our mental and physical health and preventing the opportunity for growth and toughness against future negative encounters. Here are some of the consequences of harboring resentment:

1. Increased Stress: Resentment can increase stress levels, which can cause physical and mental health issues. This can include headaches, fatigue, muscle tension, difficulty sleeping, depression, anxiety, and more.

2. Loss of Joy: When we’re resentful, it can be hard to enjoy the things we once loved. We might start to feel disconnected from the people and activities that used to bring us joy, making it even harder to find peace and contentment.

3. Poor Relationships: Harboring resentment can also lead to strained relationships. Holding onto grudges can make it difficult to trust others and lead to bitterness and anger toward those around us. Building meaningful connections can be complex when we’re stuck in a cycle of negative emotions.

4. Damaged Self-Worth: Believing that we don’t deserve forgiveness can erode our self-esteem and leave us feeling unworthy and undeserving of love. This can lead to guilt and shame, damaging our well-being.

5. Relapse: It has been said that relapse doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a build-up of pressure over time – not like a diamond – more like a volcano. Taking the ostrich head in the sand approach can give temporary relief but can eventually lead to subconscious reminders, passive-aggressive behavior, and strong urges for relief from the situation. In session, we often discuss dealing with “IT” before “IT” deals with you. “IT” (the resentment) Isn’t going anywhere and has a long memory. We don’t want it to get any more powerful, leading to a possible willingness to drink or drug again as a desperate measure to get away from it. Recovery doesn’t come cheap, and you’ve worked hard to get where you are. Hold on to it. 

By understanding the consequences of holding onto resentment, we can start to take steps toward forgiveness and letting go of our grudges. Taking the time to practice self-care, connecting with our emotions, and seeking support from friends and family can all be beneficial in finding space for forgiveness and allowing us to live with more peace and happiness.

Tips on how to find Space to Let Go 

I remember once, as a child in the 70s (back when watching paint dry was an event), my mother and I were sitting around in silence, and our cat Bootsy ran past the door frame and then ran back. She wasn’t “zooming” – she had a strange look on her face. I asked Mom what she was doing, and she replied (per typical eclectic artist always seeing things a little differently), “maybe she has a stomach ache, and she thinks if she runs fast enough, she can get away from it.” I wish it were that simple. But then again – maybe not. 

When making treatment planning goals, my patients quickly remember that the goals in their lives are not designed to have a sheltered life where nothing ever goes wrong. We are not robots; as crazy as it sounds, we need adversity to survive. As it turns out, the real goal is to feel strong enough to take chances and live big, have adventures, and follow your dreams, knowing full well it might not work out and that no matter what happens, you will be ok.

Someone once told me that letting go of resentment was like walking around with a pile of pebbles in your pocket and then choosing to empty your pocket. Choosing……I love that word. We have the power. To be clear, when we say let go, we don’t mean to excuse the other person or even have them in mind at all. Forgiveness is for us so we can let go. We chose not to give this construct power anymore. Here is a list of tips and tricks to fill that brain space with something less stressful and more productive:

1. Communicate your feelings: Expressing your feelings releases the pressure and can help you to gain perspective and understand more about yourself and the resentment. This is the argument for having people in our lives we can call supports. 

2. Reframe the Situation: Try to look at the situation from a different angle and find the opportunity for growth. 

3. Seek professional help: A therapist or counselor should be knowledgeable about resentments and express empathy, validation, and affirmation for your willingness to discuss the topic. They can also help you develop strategies to develop healthy coping skills. 

4. Be willing to own your stuff: Processing resentments can be a significant game changer when discovering more about how you work. Patterns emerge, and you become stronger by being more accountable to yourself. 

5. Practice Empathy: People can be assholes, and we might see their motivation for being one a mile away. Got it. However, we might find that developing a personal belief system that transcends whatever “others” do makes us far more powerful. It’s ok to be stung or hurt, but in the end, we might decide humans make mistakes and are doing their best to survive, and so I’m not going to let this get to me because maybe they had a horrible childhood or something and this is how they cope. It may have more to do with them than it does with me.

Dr. King was right. As we broaden our understanding and gain more knowledge of a situation, it gets smaller and less powerful, which leaves more room for the good stuff. When we adopt philosophies or personal mantras for life’s adversities, they hurt less and become more familiar, lessening the shock and awe. It also means we can see a much larger scope of the world and promote the world we want. Ghandi said something like, “be the world you want the world to be.” Yes – and the way to do that is to turn on the light and own the resentment, then grab someone you trust and tell them about it. We often say in group, “the only way around is through,” and when we go through stuff together, we show the love, kindness, and support that is the opposite of resentment. 

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