For this week’s consideration, we look at the daunting and almost incredible odds we face when trying to make significant changes in our lives.

It can be, without a doubt, amazingly hard.

Even identifying what’s going on can be difficult. As we try to understand why we feel unwell, sad, or angry, sometimes just recognizing those feelings is a challenge. The data more than suggests self-actualization, internalization, and autonomy are essential. This is where the most effective, self-sustaining change often begins. Quick fixes and magic tricks rarely last past the dopamine hit that drains as fast as it comes anyway. 

However, we also know that simply having the knowledge of what needs to be done, doesn’t automatically lead to action. Clinicians often find it difficult to tell people what to do, or more precisely, what they might do. When it comes to exploring different ideas and trying new approaches that have benefited others, what are we really saying?

This is where the good news comes in. 

Despite not having the ability to take meaningful change out of our pocket and give it to you, we know the very act of engaging in the therapeutic process is valuable. The loving act of giving yourself permission to seek change, to explore —is where the “solution” to your problems ends up perhaps being less obvious than you may have thought. And contrary to our own misgivings, being sensitive can be a very real protective factor. According to a 2023 article in Psychology Today titled ‘The Benefits of Being Highly Sensitive,’ LMFT Andrea Wachter explains, ‘Sensitive people tend to pick up on things that others might miss. Being aware, observant, and insightful can be very positive qualities.'”

As we tune our senses, we have countless examples of people identifying a problem, knowing the intellectual solution, but still finding it difficult to act. The clearest example, particularly in Substance Use Disorder, is when someone drinks too much alcohol, leading to a cascade of undeniable problems. The cause is clear: excessive drinking. The goal must be to reduce or stop drinking altogether. The client certainly knows this, for the knowledge of their struggle despite this simple equation is more than likely one of the sources of their guilt and shame contributing to more drinking. It is a “light switch fantasy.”

Alas, we can’t flick the switch. In fact, clients often find themselves in a kind of purgatory—taking suggestions, trying different things, and feeling the frustration of looking for the solution. “What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?” The answer turns out to be this: continue to explore and try different approaches, and above all – give yourself the respect of supporting yourself.

And this is where something very interesting happens. You might come to realize the concept of “distress tolerance” which is to say the benefits of the process itself are often underestimated because we’re so focused on finding the perfect solution. We may not always notice that by trying, and trying again, and learning from the failures, it is actually the opposite of failure. It’s growth. I always ask people to imagine a crazy scientist completely engulfed in an experiment – he is searching for a solution to something – he is tireless and relentless and trying different things – and then it happens. The whole thing explodes in his face, and he is overjoyed because that perceived failure confirms important data that then leads to something more useful. He learns that not only can he survive the failure, but that it actually makes him smarter and more experienced, and yes, closer to finding a solution to the problem he is trying to solve. 

If the solution is unattainable at first, then engaging in the pursuit of that solution becomes the work. This is good news. It’s important to give yourself credit, to acknowledge the dignity in your efforts, and to recognize that if you’re engaged in the process of change, you are already making changes. You might ask for suggestions on what to try next, but know that every attempt is a step forward. Even if it doesn’t seem to “work” immediately, it has moved you further along the path.

So, keep going.