Issue # 8

Introduction 

I often hear in session that someone was having a fine day – nothing to report – maybe they were even celebrating a victory or achievement, people complimented their efforts, and they felt peaceful and proud for like……two seconds……and that’s when the voices started. What if? What if they discover the one thing that wasn’t perfect? What if they decide the rest of it must be no good? What if my success was a fluke? What if they didn’t like it and just pitied me? And the end all be all – what if they find out who I am and realize I’m a fraud? Ugh……

American speaker and author Byron Katie said, “Don’t believe everything you think.” The truth…..is that our fears and insecurities aren’t the most fantastic assessment tool. But they deserve their due diligence, and that’s what we’re talking about this week — Negative Self Talk. 

Negative self-talk refers to our critical and harmful thoughts and beliefs about ourselves. It is a form of internal dialogue that can significantly impact our mental and emotional well-being. Inner dialogue can be complex because it’s us – our voice telling us things that aren’t necessarily balanced or true, and so often, our behavior is tied directly to our feeling. It can get messy, and this type of thinking can create negative outlooks, leading to feelings of anxiety, depression, and a lack of confidence. Negative self-talk can also significantly impact our ability to perform, making us less likely to take risks and try new things, causing us to hold ourselves back from reaching our full potential. 

However, we are not doomed to this fate forever. It’s essential to understand that negative self-talk is a habit that can be changed, and our brains are wired to do just that. By recognizing and reframing these harmful thoughts, we can replace them with positive and supportive ones, improving mental and emotional well-being and success in our personal and professional lives.

What Causes Negative Self-Talk?

Jung called it the “Shadow,” the unconscious psychological gurgle of repressed emotions, desires, and impulses in conflict with our present-day conscious self-image. Are we in conflict with ourselves? Are we experiencing one long argument with our own brains? Is Shadow alone?  As it turns out, Shadow has friends….

Negative self-talk is caused by a variety of factors, including:

1. Childhood experiences: Traumatic or negative experiences in childhood can shape our beliefs about ourselves and lead to negative self-talk. We know, for example, that as children, exposure to parental fighting, especially when those conflicts are unresolved or violent, can lead to a skewed worldview of how humans are supposed to interact. We can also feel conflicted about our role in that dynamic, taking ownership of the conflict or feeling guilt we were powerless to stop it. We might find that how we heard our parents speak to each other is exactly how we currently speak to ourselves. 

2. Perfectionism: Being overly critical of oneself and having unrealistic expectations can lead to negative self-talk when we fail to meet those expectations. Research has taught us that perfectionism is often associated with self-worth and the cognitive distortion of all-or-nothing thinking, dictating that if something isn’t done just right, it only proves that we are worthless. In fact, patients consistently report to me the harsh “cheerleading” that goes on in their minds. The Inner Critic cracks the whip by insulting one’s self or name-calling and “motivating” while the sense of self-esteem drops as the pressure builds. We might better serve ourselves with an inner coach who encourages and emotionally supports us. We have painfully learned positive reinforcement yields better results. 

3. Social comparison: Comparing oneself unfavorably to others can lead to feelings of inadequacy, especially during the volatility of adolescents. It can also build a sense of unrealistic expectations as we repel against our differences leading to disappointment and depression when the expectation isn’t met. Belief systems get formed and can maladaptively skew towards comparisons as a measure of self-worth vs. self-efficacy and autonomous empowerment. 

4. Stress and anxiety: Chronic stress and anxiety can trigger negative thoughts and self-doubt. As someone worries about a future that hasn’t happened yet, the endless possibilities can lead to worry, planning for danger, and a fear that we cannot handle that danger. 

5. Negative past experiences: Negative experiences, such as rejection, failure, trauma or criticism, can contribute to trauma response. Trauma can impact a person’s beliefs, attitudes, and perceptions of themselves, others, and the world, leading to negative self-talk, pervasive feelings of fear and mistrust, and avoidance behaviors. It can be overwhelming and multifaceted. It’s important to seek professional help to acknowledge and address the negative thoughts and beliefs resulting from trauma.

We reiterate that negative self-talk is not permanent and can be changed with the right tools and support. We create an argument for perspective, challenge the beliefs, and find a more balanced view. 

How to Manage Negative Self Talk

Managing negative self-talk requires a combination of self-awareness, intentional thought patterns, and self-compassion. Fortunately, there are multiple roads to recovery, but it begins with awareness. Turning the light on and looking at issues is the first step. It’s also courageous, and we’ll need this courage because that fight with our thinking we spoke of earlier is about to change favors. But you don’t have to go into the battle alone. Change the voice to compassion – take care of yourself the way you would someone else. Seek guidance from a professional who can help you gain perspective. In the meantime…

Here are some tips to get started thinking in a more balanced way:

1. Challenge your negative self-talk: Ask yourself if your thoughts are accurate and if there is a more reasonable explanation that is more possible. More often than not, emotional self-talk is very different from factual self-talk. We often talk in session about putting the thought “on trial” and having a prosecution and jury – is it true? We can then get into the feeling like it’s true despite knowing it’s not, which is very important but different work. 

2. Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations: Focus on your strengths, accomplishments, and positive qualities. Listing five things you are proud of at the end of the day begins the process of reprogramming your brain to a more helpful view of self. Your list is also accurate, which is a hard fact and harder to argue with. 

3. Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, as you would with a friend. What would you tell them? Is it reasonable to say you deserve the same treatment? 

4. Engage in activities that boost self-esteem: Pursue interests and activities that bring joy and fulfillment. We all like wins. Do something you succeed at, then make a big deal about the victory. Notice if the negative thinking tries to steal it and meet it to repeat the fact –  “I did a good job – end of the story.” There doesn’t need to be any further debate about it. 

5. Surround yourself with positive people: Seek supportive friends and family members who encourage and uplift you. Someone I know once started a comedy film festival and invited a couple of friends over. The mood change was palpable. The references to life’s difficulties took a more communal normalized view. People laughed at their human flaws together instead of feeling devastated alone. 

It takes time and practice to stop negative self-talk, but by implementing these strategies, you can shift your thoughts toward a more positive and supportive internal dialogue. It takes time – like building muscle, and then you will be stronger. Keeping a journal to see progress or being reminded by a therapist how far you’ve come motivates you to continue. 

There’s No Switch to Completely Turn Off Our Negative Self Talk, But…

While it is important to work on reducing negative self-talk, it’s also important to understand that it is a normal part of the human experience and that we cannot completely eliminate it. It’s part of what makes us human – we struggle – we grab someone, cry or rant and then feel a little stronger than we did before. I don’t believe we should try to eliminate negative self-talk because suppressing negative thoughts can make them even more potent. Let’s acknowledge its presence and develop a healthy relationship with it. I know….. it’s crazy….and we’re doing a lot of talking to ourselves during this post, so get used to it – but that’s the point. Having a healthy relationship with yourself is vital. It is the closest to someone you will ever be. You might say you are totally “IN” to them….oh boy – Dad joke alert. Have a great week, folks. 

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If you or a loved one is experiencing substance misuse, depression, or anxiety and has been considering therapy – call or text for a free 15-minute consultation. 646-504-6212.