Examples, Effects, Perspective, and Path to Recovery

Mental health challenges can be incredibly isolating, a stew of ingredients like shame, guilt, embarrassment, trauma, resentment, and rumination. It’s a heavy feeling, foggy and constricting, anxiety-producing, depressing, and can play on self-esteem. Our nervous, endocrine and limbic systems are screaming for us to stay put (alone) and heal. We may feel like no one understands, and talking about it is impossible. Sometimes we are wise to listen because using that time to self-reflect and strategize is a good idea and appropriate. However, we may find ourselves arguing in cognitive distortion that there’s a lot to figure out, so we’ll need a lot more time alone. But when is too much? When do we cross that line from healthy alone time into problematic isolation? And when would it be more beneficial for us to seek perspective and togetherness? I have an old friend who says, “I always thought I wanted to live on a desert island until I lived on a desert island.” Yowza…..

But can we normalize the desire to be alone for a moment? I love being alone. I need to be alone sometimes. The hustle and bustle, overstimulation, input, and constant decision-making can deplete my battery and leave me drained. It’s also important to note that everyone is different regarding how much alone time is healthy, and the argument for perspective and honest assessment is critical here. It’s important to know when that line is getting crossed. 

What are some warning signs you may be isolating too much?

1. Persistent feelings of loneliness or sadness: This is a frustrating ironic one because we wanted to be alone in the first place to feel better, and now we may feel worse in a different way. It’s like we’ve gone to customer service and exchanged symptoms for something we still don’t like; this may be your inner emotional advisor prompting you to break the cycle and talk it out with someone. My father used to say, “sometimes guests are like fish – they go bad after a couple of days.” We can get this way regarding our own company. Ugh….

2. Difficulty in maintaining relationships/avoiding social activities: If you find it hard to maintain close relationships, do the things you usually do or make new friends, it may indicate unhealthy isolation. Going from zero to 100 miles an hour can freeze up just about anyone. When we isolate ourselves too long, it’s hard to get started navigating all the stimuli thrown at us from someone new or a group, and the guilt of not contacting friends can build on the desire for more isolation. Talking with someone about the nuances of your challenges can help ease the tide of feeling overwhelmed. 

3. Changes in sleep or eating habits: Changes in sleep or eating habits, such as insomnia, excessive sleeping, weight loss, or gain, can be a sign of depression, which is often associated with isolation. Here’s that irony again at the symptom exchange counter. If we think of isolation on a continuum, the longer we are alone, the more we may find ourselves heading into a place that creates more issues than it solves. Lack of sleep and poor diet can exacerbate depression and leave us wanting to be alone even more. 

After facilitating what seems like a million groups and individual therapy sessions, hours, and years of experience, education, and training, I know one thing to be true: “you have within you right now everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you.” I don’t know who said this, but it is always what therapy adds up to in the end. Amazing. It’s not a pill or someone telling you what to do. It’s you: driven by your unique circumstances and strengths as a person discovering and re-allocating your inner resources to find motivation for change. Chances for a speedier, more insightful change occur when you share this stuff with like-minded people. Whether group or individual, therapy can be a safe space to throw things at the wall and see what sticks. Someone else’s perspective can offer the right tool, thought, or alliance to start a change for the better. 

Hardwired To Help Each Other

Humans have a fundamental need for social connection and interaction. Being together with others is an innate human desire driven by several factors.

1. Cave People Community: Humans have evolved to rely on one another for survival. In prehistoric times, our ancestors formed small communities to share resources, protect one another and raise families. This need for social interaction and support has been carried down through generations and is still present in modern humans.

2. Emotional Support: Another reason is that being together with others can provide emotional support and a sense of belonging. Humans need love, care, and companionship from the moment we are born, and being together with others can fulfill that need. Additionally, human beings are wired for communication, and being together allows for exchanging ideas, thoughts, and experiences. This can foster learning, growth, and personal development. Sometimes we don’t know what a thing is because we are too close, and it’s only by stepping back and seeing the big picture that we can see what we need to do. Others can see this much clearer than us sometimes because they have an outside perspective. 

3. The Meaning of Life: Lastly, being together with others can also provide a sense of safety, security, purpose, and meaning in life. I’ve had the pleasure of working in congregate care with patients who live together for up to 18 months, and the same pattern repeats every time. For the most part, people who have sometimes spent years alone in severe depression, anxiety, and addiction come together and form a tight community. The critical ingredients of willingness to talk and get vulnerable with others inspire the group, and they rally together. Any group of mine will always tell what I say next “take what we are doing in here, and bring it out there.” We need each other – not in a dependent way, but a need that we want because the payoff is so fulfilling. We all want to love whether we believe we deserve it (which is a whole other blog soon to come). 

Steps to decrease isolation and depression 

It’s important to remember that any change forward, large or small, is still moving in the right direction. We make the change we can make at the time, and challenging ourselves is appropriate. We want to ensure we are kind – speak to yourself like you’re talking to a baby learning how to walk. Telling yourself you’re doing a good job is essential. Here are some tips on how to start your recovery from isolation and subsequent depression: 

1. Prioritize self-care: Make sure to take care of yourself physically and mentally; it’s essential to maintain your overall well-being to engage and connect with others. This small step can often be overlooked, but taking a hot shower, putting on some make-up, or getting a haircut can be the spark to change the dynamic. 

2. Take advantage of technology: Use social media, video chat, and other forms of technology to stay connected with friends and loved ones who live far away. 

3. Get it Out:  Reach out to friends, family, group members, or a therapist: Make an effort to reconnect with loved ones and plan to spend time together.

4. Meds: Take any meds you may be prescribed. Maybe you haven’t been, and you’ve been racking your brain on why you don’t feel right. You would be surprised how many of my patience missed this simple step and felt better afterward. 

Recovery is Cool 

We always talk about the antithesis of the shame and guilt we may be experiencing from isolation and depression, which is to say that sharing our problems with others can help them as much as it does us. This is when we come together. I sometimes imagine negative thinking and depressive thoughts as a giant heavy load. Why carry it alone? Get some help, and let’s talk about it. When it’s at its best, dare we laugh at our issues together? We love laughter – it feels good – laughing at our challenges normalizes and steals its power. We love relating to others – it lets us know we’re not alone. We are all cooky in ways that contribute to our complicated beauty. We are only human, after all – flaws and all, and it’s ok not to be perfect. No one is. What step can you take today to move in the right direction?

*If you or someone you know is experiencing substance use disorder, depression or anxiety, call or text for a free 15-minute consultation. https://www.addictiontherapynyc.com/#contact or sign up for future blogs on the mailing list https://www.addictiontherapynyc.com/blog/